Yesterday we laid out the way the first half of 2023 will go. Today we tackle the last half. The glass is half full.
July
Prez Biden celebrates our nation’s independence on July 4th with a socially distanced, mask-wearing picnic on the WH lawn. He reminds America that he was one of the original signers of the Declaration back in 1776. Aaron Judge suffers a torn patella tendon rounding third on his 49th HR trot, ending the Yankees season and his chase for the single-season all-time record. One hundred and seventy-five billion in, Zelenskyy gives Biden a stiff arm as China agrees to rebuild Ukraine for considerations TBD.
August
Bette Midler fills in for vacationing WH Press Secretary Joy Behar and actually sings her inept responses. Texas Governor Greg Abbott files paperwork with the US Government announcing the state’s intent to secede from the country. Marc Zuckerberg resigns from FB and joins Elon Musk at Twitter sending the lib community into mass hysteria. Back in March, the National Weather Service predicted 21 named storms by 8/31. To date, only two have been named. Kamala says, “climate change is all about climate change and climate change is so bad that it is preventing storms from being formed in this climate.”
September
The San Diego Padres end the MLB season with 111 victories and secure home-field throughout the playoffs. AOC intros a bill to change Labor Day’s name. She says, “it’s misogynistic to people who identify as having given birth.” Tom Brady makes his debut as starting quarterback for the Las Vegas Raiders. LeBron James tells Cleveland, “I’m coming home for the third time” as the Lakers work out a trade with the Cavaliers for him. 23andMe outs Pete Buttigieg as Pee Wee Herman’s nephew.
October
Canadian PM Trudeau signs a bill banning all guns in Canada. Stacy Abrams is appointed as Georgia State Election Commissioner. She pledges to count every vote cast in the great state at least once. The Houston Astros defeat The NY Mets four games to two and are back-to-back WS Champions. The buzz in H Town is louder than the one Jose Altuve never wore. All J6 prisoners are freed when video surfaces of a high-eye-browed Nancy Pelosi saying it was her greatest ruse ever. Home Depot severs its association with Paul Pelosi the next day saying Nancy’s revelation was like getting hit over the head.
November
Canadian geese no longer migrate and overrun Toronto, Montreal, and Vancouver. The FBI finally releases the last of the JFK files. They are heavily redacted but have the names Carlos Marcello, Lucky Luciano, and Giuseppe Magliocco up, down, and all around the documents. Mitch McConnell announces that he had corrective Lasik surgery. Trading in shares of eyeglass maker companies was halted on Wall St for the remainder of the day.
December
Joe Biden formally announces for 2024. He beamed, ” Yes, I am running for a second term as Vice President. Much has been done, but is much is, um, is, well you know the deal man.” Putin invades Poland with the three tanks he has left. A ceasefire is proclaimed the next day. Biden vows to rebuild all of Poland and sends Kamala over there to announce the aid. She opens her remarks, “It’s so great to be here at the North Pole.” Santa shakes his head but saddles up the reindeer and rolls the sleigh a day early to beat the next bomb cyclone.
We have a lot to look forward to. See you next year!