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If you didn’t get a chance to tune into the Democratic Presidential Debate broadcasted live last evening, worry not.   It’s roughly only the fourth of 12 scheduled debates.  You can catch the next one or the next one.   Maybe the same tired answers to the same tired questions will grab your interest then.  We doubt very seriously that last night’s did.  And, worry not because we have the winners and losers all sorted out for you below.  Schmeer the bagel while we schmeer the debate.

Winner — Elizabeth Warren.  She spoke for a total of 23 minutes which was a strong 7 minutes longer than the presumptive, but maybe no longer, favorite Joe Biden.

Loser —  Everyone.  Everyone who listened to Elizabeth Warren for 23 minutes must feel like they need to go to their happy place this morning.  There is no way that every second of every minute of 23 spoken can be so terribly important about things that are so terribly bad that she must use the octave of shrill that she incessantly does.  Take a breath every now and then.

Winner —  Joe Biden.  Biden spoke for 16 minutes and didn’t really have a memorable “gaffe.”  He said “expidentially” instead of “exponentially.”  He mistook Iraq for Afghanistan.  But, that’s a good night for him these days.   Win one for the old gaffer is still in play, barely.

Loser  —  Joe Biden.  If Uncle Joe thinks that his topline response to his son’s foreign dealings is the end of it he’s sadly mistaken. “My son’s statement speaks for itself.”  “My son made a judgment. I’m proud of the judgment he made.” His party will take Trump to the mat from now till 2020 for his foreign affairs and Trump will tweet about Papa Joe and Son Hunter along the way as necessary.

WInner — Tulsi Gabbard.  Every time Gabbard speaks she sounds well thought out and mostly logical.  It’s a breath of fresh air on a very stale stage.  She isn’t afraid to call out her party or the other one when she feels the need, but does so in a respectful manner.

Loser — Tulsi Gabbard.  Gabbard was afforded only eight minutes of oxygen to breathe new life in the old party.  She lashed out at CNN last evening after the debate for the lack of time.  This may be a reach, but if Trump reached out to her after her campaign gets snuffed out by the DNC, he could make major hay if she accepted a role in his administration.  She seems like the type that if she felt like she could make a difference regardless of their differences she would give it her all.

Winner —  Bernie Sanders.  Two weeks after having what is now being called a heart attack, Bernie was back on the attack.  With his hair out of place, his hands and arms flailing about, and with his far, far left ideas being bombastically presented, all seemed well again.

Loser — Bernie Sanders.  His campaign is boxed in.  His radical left perch has many birds of the same feather.  They all look stuck together.   His stint as the left ideas leader was further slowed by the need for a stent in the arteries.

Winner — Kamala Harris.  Harris used a good bit of her 12 minutes telling America, once gain, that she was plenty experienced as the AG for the State of California.  She reminded us that aside from the US Department of Justice, that department is the second largest in the US.  She also told us, once again, that she went to more funerals of slain innocent children and gunned down cops than she wanted to tell us about.   It was a great refresher course on who she is we guess.

Loser — Kamala Harris.  Harris used a good bit of her 12 minutes telling America, once gain, that she was plenty experienced as the AG for the State of California.  She reminded us that aside from the US Department of Justice, that department is the second largest in the US.  She also told us, once again, that she went to more funerals of slain innocent children and gunned down cops than she wanted to tell us about.  It was a great refresher course on who she is we guess.  Or, it wasn’t.

Winner — Tom Steyer. The retired billionaire who bought his way onto the debate stage had the bright lights shining on him for a full seven minutes.  It must have felt like he was running out of a tunnel onto a playing field for the first time with his favorite JV team.  Cost per minute was rather steep, however.

Loser — Tom Steyer.  Now the retired billionaire can go back to sending money to the candidates he stood next to.

Winner — The Washington Nationals.  The Nationals probably gained TV eyeballs by the minute as America switched the debate off, and their sweep in the NLCS of the St. Louis Cardinals on.

Winner — The Washington Nationals.   Once upon a time there was a team in Washington.  Their nickname was the Senators.  They moved to Texas in 1971 and became the Rangers.  When the DC area regained a team (the Montreal Expos) in the 2005 season they didn’t rename them the Senators.  After last night’s debate snoozer, who can blame them?

Winner — Donald J. Trump.  Regardless of your party affiliation, hopes, and dreams, you had to be disappointed in the debate.  It was a rerun of a rerun and it lacked any suspense, drama, plot twists, or excitement.

Winner — Adam Schiff.  If you are the DNC your best hope for now of beating Trump is impeaching Trump.